101 Reasons to Attend Phreaknic 2000 -- Decius 4i5
1. Because your company got bought by Microsoft.
2. You want to understand how anarchies are organized; how Scandinavian of you.
3. Because the various groups that are responsible for doing stuff at Phreaknic should be referred to as cabals.
4. Because the next episode of Die Hard is being filmed in an Internet Data Center.
5. Because there have been violent protests in San Francisco against allowing so called "dot commers" to move into the city's Mission District.
6. Because calling Dagmar a "condescending bastard" passed the point of diminishing returns a long time ago.
7. Because your creatures need a bigger lair.
8. Because at a con the excuse "no one is answering my email" makes no difference.
9. Because the internet is dead. Bioinfomatics is the new edge.
10. Because we all laughed when they said "interactive means a "buy" button on your Remote Control," but recently we haven't been laughing all that much.
11. New hotel = new balconies to barf off of!
12. Because there have been an amazing number of movies in the past few years about military commandos on deadly crime sprees.
13. Because "warez" trading networks are now a part of popular culture.
14. Because fringeware is fucking history. Where have all the freaks gone?
15. Guns, Guns, and the Bible, carved this nation, out of the wilderness.
16. Beer, goddamnit. Beer. Beer. Beer. Do you need another reason?
17. Because no man with a good car needs to be justified.
18. Because someone actually makes a comic strip about Everquest.
19. "This is the end game."
20. Because you have the right to remain silent.
21. Because there is a point where freedom of speech and intellectual property are mutually exclusive.
22. Because you took the red pill.
23. Because power doesn't come from a handgun, it comes from knowing how to manufacture them in bulk.
24. Because there hasn't been a militia bombing in a while.
25. Because Chexsystems is a threat to the future of electronic commerce.
26. Because American Express values your privacy.
27. Because Amazon.com doesn't.
28. Because there is an evolutionary reason that human memory isn't perfect.
29. Because you oppose the tyranny of the majority.
30. Because undernet is k-lame.
31. "In this game the most committed wins."
32. "Now act like I'm saying something funny because people are watching."
33. Because my brand is better then your brand.
34. Because Wan Chai is a different place at night.
35. Because RSA won't mean shit when they scale a quantum computer, and if they've reached this point in the private sector...
36. Because most securities and trading crimes begin on a golf course.
37. Because you want to see just how deep the rabbit hole goes.
38. Because the fucking news media just seems to screw everything up.
"Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas.
Has it been 5 years? 6?
40. Trade Craft.
41. Because you've spent enough nights getting blasted at da'house that you think you can drink the rest of the con under the table.
42. Captain Morgan Hurricanes!
43. Because there weren't enough y2k crashes.
44. Because the government has made a long series of damaging court decisions and passed a number of broken laws that together threaten the future of the Internet as a free and open space to communicate and no one seems to understand this or is seriously committed to fighting it.
45. Vi: Because this sentence is a run on sentence that has been underlined by microsoft word and the stupid little paper clip is bitching about it and I just want to, FUCK the god damn thing just reformatted my text and I had to hit CNTRL-Z and damnit I wish it wouldn't change what I write because computers should do what they are told and not try to think for themselves.
46. Because some things shouldn't be translucent turquoise.
47. Because Thailand has announced robots that kill people automatically.
48. Because U.S. researchers have developed a way to turn human flesh into electric power.
49. Because iRobot.Com is taking pre-orders for personal telepresent robots.
50. Because you can put these things together and build home-made robots that hunt, kill, and eat people, using their flesh for power.
51. Because you've memorized the words to the DeCSS protest song.
52. Because you're on a cable modem and your next door neighbors are FUCKING WEB HOGS!!!!!
53. Because Rattle conceded a point in debate this year.
54. Because if you kiss Rattle's ass he'll give you a cushy job after he is declared supreme ruler of the galaxy.
55. Because the advantage of a DSL connection is totally ruined by PPPoE.
56. Because you have a machine coloed on SeaLand.
57. Because someday we might be sex symbols in our OWN country.
58. Because you actually paid for your copy of Abbie Hoffman's "Steal this book."
59. Because you remember when the idea was "hack the olympics" rather than "hacker olympics!"
60. Its all about the meta-cartoons.
61. Because the story got leaked to the press before you made the announcement and now you're not at all sure if you're allowed to trade based on the information and the SEC has been tapping your phone.
62. Because you only get laid at hacker cons.
63. Because Bill Joy is right!
64. Because Bill Joy is wrong!
65. GOD DAMNIT, I SAID BECAUSE BILL JOY IS *RIGHT*!!!!
66. *FUCK YOU* BILL JOY WOULDN'T KNOW THE TECHNO-APOC......
67. Because you haven't been taking your pills.
68. Because you have a sure fire solution against distributed DOS attacks, but noone will let you draw a pentagram on the roof of a data center in ox blood. They're all a bunch of pussies.
70. "... the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, BURN, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'" -- Jack Kerouac
71. I'll stop trading warez when you stop trading my personal information!!!
72. "One night, I have nightmare and next morning, I turn into big bug. No can go to work is all I can think at that point. Do not know why I turn into such ugly creature, but I did. They kill me by throwing the apple into my back. Are bugs not to have armor, is all I can think. America looked so good in those travel books and news shows back in Prague. Is not so fun after all, America. Bah!" -- Franz Kafka (um, sort of)
So, as this is an election year, for the next few reasons we'll consider our presidential candidates.
73. First, we got Al Bore, um, I mean, oh, um, yeah! So, like, this guy obviously never had to balance his own check book, as he thinks a budget surplus is a perfect time to go on a spending spree! Of course, the republicans are doing the same thing, in a different way. Didn't Alan Greenspan ever tell you dipshits that a penny saved is a penny earned? A vote for Gore is a vote for government power. This is the party that brought you the Clipper Chip and the Communications Assistance for Law Enforcement Act.
74. Next, we got Corporate Concubine George Bush. Exactly what the oligarchy wants. A man who inherited power as opposed to creating it. A vote for Bush is a vote against meritocracy.
But what about third party candidates?
75. Well, there is Buchanan. The guy who wants to force you to go to his church at gun point. A vote for Buchanan is a vote for violent gun toting lunatics. Do we really want people like Rattle running the country?
76. Ralf Nader seems like a reasonable guy until you realize that he is on the Green ticket. The green party believes that not only can you run a society based on rewarding people for effort rather than output, but that this idea is compatible with an interest in environmental sustainability!! Hello?! Getting large numbers of people to move to more efficient production systems is a royal pain in the ass and it will never happen if they don't have economic incentives. Things move too slow the way they are! Where the fuck is my robotic vacuum cleaner!!! "As for Nader and the Green Party, fuck 'em." -- Tim May
77. Because election years are depressing until you decide to move to a different country and you can't find a better alternative anywhere else, at which point hopelessness sets in.
78. Because "intellectual property right" is doublespeak. Its not property and its not a right. Its not a right because it only exists for a limited period of time. Its not property because it doesn't work the same way. It allows you to control publication but not all use, especially if that use is critical of the original work. There are circumstances where it doesn't apply at all. What we're really talking about here is "limited monopoly priviledge," and thats what the forefathers referred to. By changing the words, they've changed the nature of the debate, by associating copyright with innate notions that have nothing to do with copyright at all.
79. Because if this is your first phreaknic you have to fight.
80. Because you remember when Brock Meeks used to say "fuck."
81. Because you know that when the national guard is called in to shut down the con that non-combatant is defined as people who don't have weapons and aren't shielding those who do. You're leaving your Russian Assault Rifle at home.
82. Because I'll probably be in Hong Kong so you don't have to worry about watching me get completely wasted and passing out in... Argh... There are some phreaknic memories that you just wish you could forget.
83. There are some memories that others have yet to remember.
84. We have a sample of Lisa Simpson saying "warez!"
85. Because Red Bull gives you anti-gravity fighters.
86. Because you should kill your television.
87. "The pink pills keep you from screaming."
88. Because Rattle claims he is a completely different kind of gun toting lunatic then Pat Buchanan.
89. Because hacker dudes get mad chicks in Korea.
90. Because hacker chicks get mad dudes regardless of where they are.
91. Because you are carrying a PDA, a digital phone with bluetooth, a digital watch with a built in personal organizer and calculator, a graphing calculator, a red box, a portable MP3 player, a lineman's handset, a wearable computer, 5 smart cards, a wireless car key, and an LED flashlight and you can't get the fucking things to talk to eachother!@!#@>
92. Because the girl on Dark Angel can decode DTMF like a blind phreak in a minimum security prison.
93. Because you got the cease and desist order.
94. Because the god damn con is FINALLY NOT ON HALLOWEEN!!!
95. Because if you're still reading this you probably have nothing better to do that weekend anyway.
96. Because 85% of the Bridgestone/Firestone tires that failed on Ford Explorers were the right rear tires, and ladies and gentlemen, a tire doesn't know what part of the car its on!
97. Because you'll love the new Jack in the Box Ultimate Cheese Burger, only a buck 99 for a limited time!!
98. Because I've found a way to turn a profit from these stupid lists.
99. Because someday Jonnyx is going to become a jaded capitalist (too). He'll show up for the con wearing a big white ten gallon hat, chewing on a cigar, and charging $50 a head. Jonnyx Enterprises will whitewash the con and take it international. He'll probably get shot by the Dark Tangent's Goon Squad 20 years from now as their huge evil conglomerates fight viciously for control of the marketplace in a dark, lawless, anarcho-capitalist dystopia. You're friends will think you're cool because you were there when it all started.
100. Think I'm kidding? Ever seen a picture of Bill Gates in the early 70's?
101. Because the strategy of advertising is to make people feel bad
about themselves, and to make them feel that buying a product will make
them better. But after years and years and years and years of constant
advertising you've bought all the products and fallen for all the
gimicks and nothing seems to work, but you're still watching TV and you
still feel uncomfortable in your own skin. Now you've just been
presented with 101 reasons to attend a conference and you know they're
supposed to be funny but you didn't get half of them so you feel stupid
because you know hackers are supposed to be smart. So you're going to
attend because you think you'll get a clue. You're wrong.