-== darkphiber.net presents ==-
-== 101 reasons to attend Phreaknic '99 ==-
-== By: Decius ==-
(Even more reasons submitted by SE2600 members at the bottom of this list!)
1. You NEED to be resinated.
2. Its only a few months before the millenium and you
need to party as much as possible before the
3. Everyone wants to be a DJ.
4. The owls are not what they seem.
5. You are only REALLY interested in the secondary effects.
6. VCDs trade so much more easily on a local ethernet.
7. The standard firewall architectures you've heard
about are downright antiquated.
8. You can't hack Bucy's IM protocol.
9. Sooner or later CNN's gunna find out about this
and everything will be all fucked up.
10. HARDCORE PENETRATION!
11. You want to see an "NT" box with a UNIX file structure
running a NeXtStep variant with Turbo C shell and SSH.
12. Back Orifice war stories.
13. You're afraid of the Children of the Cr0n!
14. There is no setuid concept in Windows.
15. You found something extremely strange with
SETI@home and a few weeks later you got an anonymous
manila envelope in the mail filled with black and
white photographs of you on your daily routine.
16. You want to make plasma balls with your microwave.
17. You need some test subjects for the beer you
18. You've immersed your motherboard in an electrically
inert liquid with a high heat transfer index and now you
can factor 1024 bit integers in under an hour.
19. You've managed to implement an RFC compliant TCP/IP
stack using only one nand gate.
20. You want to use your body as the network.
21. You can get 5 watts of power off your spleen.
22. You were playing around with the home gene
splicing kit and invented a fatal virus for which
Jonnyx has the only anti-dote.
23. You've transcended root access.
24. WAREZ the pumpkin has been giving you nightmares.
25. A bunch of men dressed in black military fatigues
and black IETF t-shirts seized all the computers in your
server room by force, claiming they are not RFC compliant.
26. There's going to be a swimsuit competition.
27. You've developed a strange desire to eat CAT-5 cables
and you know you'll find plenty there.
28. People will think you're only dressed that way because
29. Infinite has naked pictures of your mom.
30. Darkphiber is back!
31. You're new employer has over 60,000 ACL lines in their
32. no ip direct broadcast
33. The IETF agents didn't seize your rubber chicken.
34. They get more annual rainfall in Nashville than in
Las Vegas but the difference is that in Nashville the annual
rainfall doesn't all occur on the same day.
35. Benford's law needs testing.
36. You've implemented a digital cash system for the beer.
37. St. Andrew's Cross, a pickup truck, a shotgun, and a Data
38. Silicon Valley doesn't create wealth so much as it creates
39. We probably have enough nuclear explosions on videotape to
keep the bombs going off all weekend long.
40. PC LOAD LETTER, What the FUCK!@#?
41. no ip source route
42. IP in IP encapsulation.
43. We're charging by the kilobyte/hour.
44. They are having a micropayments BOF at the IETF meeting one
week after Phreaknic so you better get all the dirt before
45. You found over 300 variables in various binaries on your
machine called _NSAKEY.
46. You really really want to put a new OS on that laptop that's
running an ancient copy of slackware but you just can't make
up your mind about it because there are too many choices so
you wrote them all down but there are too many of them and
its really hard to choose so you took a walk around the
city to clear your head but there are just too many choices
and its really hard to decide so you ate an IT'S IT but that
didn't help and its time to go to work and there are too
many choices and you can't decide and FUCK IT I'LL CHOOSE
LATER GOD DAMNTIQJW$ETKINASFDUIGJKQEWGO"IJ!#@OI?J "
47. One year, one GLORIOUS year, we will have NITRO COLA at the
con... You are still jonesn' for a hit of that cold, delicious
NITRO cola and this may be the year... If not you'll have to
settle for the hacker girlies...
48. Because some day soon this whole Silicon Valley thing is gunna
come crashing down. Seen Turkey recently? Thats San Jose in five
49. You need to pay ~Jones the money you owe him. I'm serious about
this, now. ~Jones is not a chump and he does not fuck around. If
you pay him the money, everything will be cool. You want
everything to be cool, don't you?
50. Because you can't tell the difference between ~jones and ~joe...
51. Rednecks with routers, YEEEHHHHHAAAAWW!!!
52. All I need is some scrap metal, a PC-104, some electric motors,
some rubber tires, suction cups, batteries, a BB gun, Krylon
cans, a QuickCam, some DSP hardware, a Ricochet, and
some tools and I can get the words ROBOT RAMPAGE on the
cover of every newspaper on the planet in under a week.
53. "People who buy up the domain names for common words and resell
them at a large profit provide a valuable service."
- NYT Letters to the Editor (09/03/99)
54. We are only in it for the beer.
55. Cyberpunk is dead... Where is the new edge? Lets make one.
56. The War against Copyright Piracy will make the War against
Drugs look like a minor policy decision made by an
57. There are microscopic computerized drones spying on you right now.
They are flying around in your room. We know how to stop them.
Better yet, we know how to make better ones.
58. Still waiting for that "Electronic Pearl Harbor" thing that the
Infowar guys keep warning us about? Bring your computer to the con.
59. SE2600: Turning science fiction into disheartening reality since 1992.
60. Ad-hoc mobile networking... Who needs friggn' network architectures
61. Have you seen dancing penguins on LSD?
62. We'll have enough spare parts lying around to start our own space
63. You know a hacker con has gotten out of hand when the "vendors"
start giving away foam toys to attract attention to their booths.
Byte used to look like Nuts and Volts, PC Magazine used to look
like Perl Journal, and Comdex used to look like Defcon.
64. Well, I'll tell yeah what, those buttoned up professional conventions
sure are posh, but nothing sells firewalls like the idea of a kid with
a three foot fluorescent green Mohawk reading TCP/IP Illustrated.
65. Otherwise you'd probably get hit by a car and wind up in a fight with
the woman who runs the Chinese restaurant.
66. The Drury's continental breakfast is well worth the price of the plane
67. We still haven't managed to get rid of all those fucking plastic frogs.
68. We promise to consume just as many 40oz OE 800's as any other freaknik
you might attend.
69. And I would've gotten away with it, too... If it wasn't for those DAMN
70. Tuttle is cool...
71. SAVE KPFA!!!
72. West of the Rockies, you're on the air...
73. "Any thinking person will appreciate the philosophy of UNIX."
- S.U.S.E flyer
74. They are still investigating Waco. If you think they are ever going
to get around to resolving the Pentagon City Mall incident you are
75. If this conference wasn't hidden under the cover of PUMPcon it would
probably be drawing a thousand people a year.
76. Laser Pointing is NOT a crime!!!!!
77. Someday a bunch of old gray men and old gray women will descend upon
a 500 story tower in the worst ghetto in Nashville near the site of the
historic Old Airport. They will wear funny hats, have a fine formal
dinner, and talk about how wild they were in their youth.
78. AAA started out as a club for car freaks... Someday you'll carry a 2600
card with a phone number you can call to get a bunch of rednecks to come
out and fix your computer.
79. Tech Support sucks, regardless of which end of the phone you're on.
80. Someday you'll have an array of FPGA's instead of a static
81. I seem to remember hackers committing CRIMES with their computers?
I miss the feds... We started out trying to "free" the information
from the clutches of the corporate masters. Now we are doing
cryptography research. What the hell happened?!@#
82. Kryptic will be giving a talk on Police Interrogations.
83. Kevin is still in the slammer.
84. Mondo 2000 still claims they publish "quarterly."
85. Plenty of Ice Cold FORTRAN 800.
86. The guy who was eating piracetam at the first phreaknic is now
publishing regular papers on quantum physics and has invented an
87. Javanco's store front may have moved to a new location, but the
electronic artificial life that was breeding in the 8th level of
the dungeon is still there and has developed a chip on its shoulder.
88. Ever wonder why you get so much fragmented TCP traffic? Path MTU
discovery was supposed to be taking care of that, right!?@#
OH, I see, you are using ACLs...
89. We were going to have a newbie track but when the outline for the
talk reached the 10,000th page we realized that nothing can
substitute for decades of downright anti-social nerdiness.
Read every book in Jonnyx's basement and then we'll talk.
90. We promise to admit absolutely no day traders to the con.
91. Dah wikki-wikki...
92. C0tC r0x d4h RaQ!
93. There's nothing like getting baked and degaussing your monitor.
94. Someday Decius is gunna run out of these things so you should
enjoy it while you can.
95. We need to start another homebrew VR movement.
96. Millions and millions of fresh memes to set your mind a-blaze.
97. Jonnyx promises to explain this whole hacking with neural networks
thing with actual source code that he has written himself.
98. Its cheaper to take a limo to the hotel then it is to take a cab.
99. If you are planning to drive from Atlanta you can just forget about
100. High tech saboteurs have got your number!
101. The way to win on the internet is to gain mind-share. The way to
gain mind share is position yourself like a rock star...
Submitted by members of the firstname.lastname@example.org mailing list:
102. You've been dying to get your own Metro ID number.
103. You can do anything as long as it's through a hole in a sheet.
104. You can hardly wait to give a demonstration on your new "weaving gift
baskets with coaxial cable" method.
105. Since Javanco sold the particle accelerator, you no longer have to worry
that there will be a mob of drunken hackers splitting atoms in the Drury Inn
106. You want to offend the 350-pound black man one...more...time....
107. There will be sheep.
108. With the gross cellular phone range which we can achieve by networking
everyone's mobile phone at the conference, and some simple GPS software, we
plan to not only take over our planet's satellite system, but achieve what
SETI "failed" to do: communicate with extra-terrestial intelligent life. Do
you really want that first contact left in our hands?
109. If you don't, you'll miss the Bill Gates burning-in-effigy.
110. There might be women there who won't slap you if you offer to let them
feel the speed of your RAM.
111. There might be some who will, if you're into that sort of thing.
112. You've got the leather. You've got the boots. You've got the phone.
You're dying to dress up as a Matrix character, and this is the only place
where you can do it and still "blend."
113. Hack a furbie!
114. Ambre Fae has, with Juline's help, decided to take over the Air Traffic
Control system using their TI-89's. Have you ever directed a Boeing-757
before? With a calculator? Would you like to?
115. Halloween was originally the Pagan festival of Samhain, which celebrated
the Spirit World of the Dead. Wouldn't you like to be the first to digitally
communicate with those on the "other side?"
116. Reaching out and touching someone could mean anything.
117. Where else can you find one of the largest gatherings of agnostics,
athesists, and other left wing religious peoples in the heart of the
118. Nashville, Athens of the South. Some empires are just bound to
fall. Will your box be one of them?
119. Above, but will your box be rooted by a 386 built from parts sold
at the convention?
120. Murfreesboro Road is not too far away if you need some good cheap
121. Where else can you find more city cops closer to a convention... PD
1 mile down the road or at the Waffle House across the interstate?
122. Think of the pool as the bit bucket. Or better yet, the puke
123. Listening to Weird Al and Polka music mixed to a death/techno/metal
beat will *NOT* be frowned upon.
124. Badgers, Badgers, we don't need to stinkin badgers!
125. Will Andy F. be there? I cant wait to see the reaction if he is!
126. Going to see the "Titans" might upset some people.
(if anyone has reaons 127-132 please e-mail them to maverick or Doommaker!)
133. You can poke fun at people trying to connect to your Gigabit
Token-Ring ATM network which will be in the bathtub.
134. Sean's Apple IIe's will not only mean fun for the entire family, it
means educational fun with Oregon Trail.
135. Brush up on your basic language skills. Like Unix, it *will* make
137. Last Phreaknik with electricity. Itenery for next Phreaknic...
gain the most horse power from your steam engine and building large
pollution belching factories.
138. It just wouldnt be a hacker convention without plenty of fruits,
localtalk, and a bunch of telephone cord from Radio Shack.
139. You missed the free beer for answering questions right at DragonCon.
140. It's time to party to live acid techo broadcast via .ram feed from
141. Cat 5 makes a handy strangling device in those nasty Red Hat vs. SuSE
142. More bluescreen jokes than you can shake an AC adapter at.
143. Every payphone in the lobby must be disabled. NOW!
144. Old 5.25 floppies make the best drink coasters.
145. Only chance to set up micronation in your hotel room and claim
diplomatic immunity to pesky feds.
146. Something about launching a private comsat in geosynchronis orbit 200
miles above the Drury.
147. Con room brawl between a penguin and a devil at the costume party.
148. Pr0n Aid benefit karaeoke concert for our needy brethern in Australia.
149. AOL trial disk ring toss - winner gets Steve Case head pinata.
150. Gotta register as many .to and .cc names as possible before the .com
people hog them all.
151. Time to start planning for PhreakNIC v.4: se2600 does Spring Break
152. You're pretty sure you can sneak your huge bags of 256K and 1MB 30-pin
SIMMs onto a table with all of the stuff Hugme is going to bring.
153. There's a good chance you can find out what is on those 8.5" floppy
disks you found a couple of weeks ago!
154. Because you never made it out of Brazil last year.